Wednesday, April 8, 2009

When fears lurk

Sometimes, especially now when I'm sick and run-down and not feeling my usual self, I experience good old-fashioned FEAR about moving across country. It's not so much the move itself--after all, I've been ready to leave this burg for about four years!--but the fact that I'm moving into The Great Unknown.

No job yet, no idea how I'll pay my bills -- these are legitimate fears. My usual tendency is to just say "things will work out." That's kinda my mantra for my whole life; I may spend some time worrying over things, but usually I just figure that things will work out.

No problem is so big that it can't be worked out or changed or whatever; at least, that's what I've found. Many times in my life, I thought that things just couldn't get worse; I was overdrawn at the bank, or I didn't have a job, or I had a job and money and stuff but I was in a bad relationship or breaking up or whatever. Things looked pretty low, and I spent a good deal of time worrying. But in the end, I always knew that things would work out--time would heal whatever physical or emotional wounds I might have suffered, and the money situations or job problems would be fixed by waiting for my next paycheck or selling a guitar or whatever I needed to do to get money. This philosophy has gotten me through some pretty rough times over my 44-plus years, so I figure it must be right.

Still--there's fear involved in moving someplace you've never been. Sometimes the fear rises up and whispers to me that I should just move back to Texas and live with my parents or my sister, where I know I would be taken care of if anything bad happened. Yes, I would have a certain security (although I doubt my parents would allow me to just loaf while they paid all my bills, dammit!). Yes, I would know where things were, how to get to the grocery store and stuff.

But I would also know other things: When I lived in Texas, I always had trouble finding a decent job. I also never really found anyone there who was right for me -- the longest relationship I had was less than three years until I was with Kat (who wasn't from Texas). If I were to go back, it would be like going backwards in my life. I don't want that.

And so I just keep hoping--hoping I'll get a job, hoping I'll find some nice people to hang out with, hoping that things will work out for the best. They always have.


Anonymous said...

I love you bunny, but it's time to light the fire under your ass.

California is in a serious economic crisis right now. People are losing jobs across all sectors right now and are taking any job available in order to keep earning a paycheck. Just to give you an example, my friend posted a craigslist ad for a job available at her office and within 12 hours of the posting she had over 100 resumes. And this was for a 25 hour/week admin job.

Right now, you need to sit down and calculate a realistic assessment of what your CA living costs are going to be (i.e., rent, car costs, utilities, food)and then only apply for jobs that will cover your expenditures. You're smart and you have marketable experience in many different areas. It's o.k. if you don't have a career path that you want to follow, but don't settle for something that's not going to help you make your goal of being able to afford to live in CA.

It's nice to have hope, but do you have the drive to make it happen? I think that's the question that you need to answer.
(Let the record show that I think the answer to that question is yes.)

Stepping off the soapbox now. :)

You CAN do this! Otherwise, I'm going to have to start birding by myself and I have no idea what the hell I'm looking at half of the time.


dguzman said...

Wow, Christine, I just saw this comment. Thanks for the wisdom! I'm working on just those very things right now.

I wanna make you proud!

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