When fears lurk

Sometimes, especially now when I'm sick and run-down and not feeling my usual self, I experience good old-fashioned FEAR about moving across country. It's not so much the move itself--after all, I've been ready to leave this burg for about four years!--but the fact that I'm moving into The Great Unknown.

No job yet, no idea how I'll pay my bills -- these are legitimate fears. My usual tendency is to just say "things will work out." That's kinda my mantra for my whole life; I may spend some time worrying over things, but usually I just figure that things will work out.

No problem is so big that it can't be worked out or changed or whatever; at least, that's what I've found. Many times in my life, I thought that things just couldn't get worse; I was overdrawn at the bank, or I didn't have a job, or I had a job and money and stuff but I was in a bad relationship or breaking up or whatever. Things looked pretty low, and I spent a good deal of time worrying. But in the end, I always knew that things would work out--time would heal whatever physical or emotional wounds I might have suffered, and the money situations or job problems would be fixed by waiting for my next paycheck or selling a guitar or whatever I needed to do to get money. This philosophy has gotten me through some pretty rough times over my 44-plus years, so I figure it must be right.

Still--there's fear involved in moving someplace you've never been. Sometimes the fear rises up and whispers to me that I should just move back to Texas and live with my parents or my sister, where I know I would be taken care of if anything bad happened. Yes, I would have a certain security (although I doubt my parents would allow me to just loaf while they paid all my bills, dammit!). Yes, I would know where things were, how to get to the grocery store and stuff.

But I would also know other things: When I lived in Texas, I always had trouble finding a decent job. I also never really found anyone there who was right for me -- the longest relationship I had was less than three years until I was with Kat (who wasn't from Texas). If I were to go back, it would be like going backwards in my life. I don't want that.

And so I just keep hoping--hoping I'll get a job, hoping I'll find some nice people to hang out with, hoping that things will work out for the best. They always have.